I Now Believe God Works on us Even When We Don't

What follows is NOT an accurate, word for word account of the conversation that Beth and I had this weekend. I'm an ENFJ. NF's gather up the big picture based on their values. What Beth said and what I heard are probably not the same... This is what I got out of the convesation regardless of how it actually went.

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On the way back home from Osprey, where we were visiting my in-laws the other night, I told Beth that I feel like my relationship with God is a little rocky. I related a few things that seemed to be missing from my spiritual health and the frustration I’ve been dealing with over my lack of connection on spiritual matters. It just seems as though I’ve got a lot of brilliant ideas about who God is, but no fruit to speak of that transpires from a healthy relationship.

She let me vent for a few moments, and after talking about prayer and connection for a bit, Beth told me something that I hope I never forget:

“But Nathan,” She said, “I don’t think you realize how much you’ve actually grown. I mean, you’re completely different than when I met you. Sure, you’re not as involved in public spiritual activity as you were- you’re not leading a college ministry or filling in as a youth pastor at church like you did previously- but I can’t begin to tell you about the change that I’ve seen in your heart when it comes to fathering Ethan or providing for my needs.”

“You have this idea in your head that if you’re not doing something huge, something big, and publically recognized that it doesn’t count. But what about our son? God’s entrusted us with raising Ethan. Your influence on his life is going to change the world. That may not seem like a service project in another country or feeding the homeless or any of those other public things that our friends are doing, but it’s just as big and just as important.”

“I guess so,” I replied.

“OK, it may seem like those people are doing more for God,” She said, “But how many of them would get up at 3am and 5am to take care of a crying baby so that their wife could get a few more moments of sleep? Many of them don’t even want kids because it would interrupt their lives. You’ve chosen not only to have a child, but to be a father who cares for his child and doesn’t just rely on his wife to do everything. That’s huge.”

This is about the time when I started tearing up. I began to realize that without me knowing it, God’s been at work all along, changing me into a different, better person.

“Remember that verse, ‘He who began a good work in your will be faithful to complete it?’” She asked, “Well, He really has been faithful in working on you. I mean, you were kind of a jerk for a while there, but He’s been gradually making you more and more like Him- and believe me, it’s obvious. You’re not as selfish anymore. You’re not as easily angered. You’re slowly, but surely becoming more and more like Christ without even knowing it.”

“But I haven’t even acknowledged His work.” I told her. “I haven’t given Him any credit for any of this. I’ve sort of felt like it was me, willing myself to be a better father and husband.”

“Do you honestly think any of this was really your idea?” She asked. “You think you came up with the idea that you should be less selfish and kinder to us? You know, I don’t think any of us part with selfishness naturally. I think change like this is proof that God’s working in us and through us, even when we aren’t. Besides- I think He knows how hard it is to have little babies. You never hear from anyone or in any book that the first few years, when the children are all in diapers, are the most romantic, love-filled days when marriage blossoms and service projects abound. In fact, if you were off doing as much stuff as you used to before we were married; you’d be ignoring your responsibilities as a father and as a husband. I think the real problem is that you’re comparing yourself against who you were rather than who you are.”

“Yeah, I think you’re right.” I said. “So I guess maybe I need to find more new dads to be friends with. I don’t really know what a new dad’s relationship with God is supposed to look like because I only have myself to compare against.”

Of course, the moment I said this, the paradox became clear. New dads, if they’re spending an appropriate amount of time with their family, don’t really have a ton of time for other relationships with other new dads… Which makes it all the more important to have amazing wives that remind us that God’s working in us. Even when we don’t see it. Even when we believe the opposite.