Nathan Key

Your daily lifeline for philosophy, politics, and religion.

 

 
 
*Warning* Somewhat Crude Bathroom Conversation Follows

Some things you should know prior to reading this post:
  1. Men don’t like to stand or sit next to one another in public restrooms.
  2. They will try to put as much space between them as possible- especially when it comes to “stall activity” as opposed to “urinal activity.”
  3. When there are more than two bathroom fixtures, men will normally put at least one fixture in-between them, using every other one instead of being side-by-side with another person.
  4. There are some men who will refuse to use a bathroom if there’s anyone else in there when they arrive.
  5. Choosing the right stall upon entering the restroom will help you thwart other men from “invading” these private moments (depending on how desperate they are to relieve themselves).
Below is a poorly rendered, overhead view of a pretty generic restroom. There are four stalls, three urinals, and a few sinks. What follows are some strategies around picking the stall that will yield the greatest amount of privacy from other people in a public restroom.
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a generic restroom layout
Right off the bat, we’ll scratch stall number 4 off the list. It’s directly next to the urinals which means that anyone entering the restroom to use the urinals will be staring directly at your feet whilst relieving themselves.

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Stall 4 is not an option
So, we’re left with Stalls 1, 2, and 3.

It may be hard to tell from this rendering, but Stall 1 happens to be a little bit larger than Stalls 2 and 3 since it is made to accommodate wheelchairs. Since it’s furthest from the urinals and also the largest stall, this option could potentially be used for some privacy- especially considering that once it’s taken, no one will probably take Stall 2 (see guideline #3 above regarding the “side-by-side” disclaimer). This means that worst case scenario, you’ll be in Stall 1 and someone else walking in might take Stall 3 (since Stall 4 is still out of the question).

But that still means another person in the stall section. If you’re particularly conscientious, then this might not be the best scenario. So, for now we’ll leave Stall 1 as a potential.
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Stall 1 might work?
Picking Stall 3 would be a similar strategy as Stall one- hoping to thwart other users by implementing the side-by-side rule and forcing anyone else to Stall 1. But since Stall 3 is closer to the urinals and the door (and since it’s a regular sized stall versus the wheelchair accessible stall), I’d say that it’s not as good a choice as Stall 1. We’ll cross it off for now in favor of Stall 1.
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Stall 3 is a weaker choice than Stall 1
This leaves us with Stall 2. It’s a bit closer to the urinals and the door, and it’s regular size makes it initially a little less appealing than Stall 1, but I think this is probably the best choice. Here’s my reasoning…

Stall 4 is out of the question. No one wants to use the stall next to the urinals. And since we’ve already stated the side-by-side rule, most users wouldn’t want to use Stall 1 or Stall 3, either. Thus, picking Stall 2 gives the user the utmost privacy since he’s effectively cleared out the rest of the stalls and created his own little privacy space.

He may still have to deal with urinal users and anyone who just HAS TO GO RIGHT NOW, but typically, the choice to use Stall 2 is the most effective one in creating the space you need to go about your business without anyone too close by.
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Stall 2 is the best choice
Yes, this is absolutely the silliest post I’ve ever written. But I had to get it out of my system. Thank you for 'bathroom humoring' me today. -NK